Let’s Talk About Grief

⚠️ Trigger Warning: mentions of death and suicide

☎️ Dial 988 for the National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

Happy heavenly birthday to my best friend and brother, Kymontae, who would have been 30 today.
Although Kymo wasn’t my brother by blood, we had been friends since we were 12. He lived with me and my family for years while we attended the same college. We spent holidays together. He was in our family photos. Being blood related couldn’t have made me love him any more than I already did.

In 2022, I was on a flight to visit my grandma on hospice in Texas. When I landed I had missed calls and messages informing me that my best friend had died by suicide. We had plans to hang out later that week when I returned from my trip. To say I was in shock would be an understatement. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t breath. It’s like a blur. I didn’t believe it at first.

He was such a silly, funny guy. With the biggest smile ever. He had so many friends and multiple families. The fact that he was struggling so badly and I didn’t know made me feel so helpless. And kind of angry to be honest. Like, how could he not tell me? How could he not allow me to help?? I know that sounds selfish, but it’s true. My heart ached for him, of course. But I also wanted to be mad at him for leaving me. And although I’ve been working on healing, that feeling doesn’t completely go away.

Grief is such a weird thing. Some days I do my best to ignore it, “be normal,” and just be grateful for all the memories we do have. And other days I feel like a wave of sadness is crushing me. But no matter what kind of day I’m having, I think about him every single one of them. It doesn’t really feel fair that life just continues to move forward without him. The fact that he is not here to celebrate turning 30 doesn’t even feel real. Even though he’s been gone for almost two years, it still doesn’t make sense to me. There are SO many times that I’ve said to people, “I just wish Kymo was here” or “It’s so weird that Kymo isn’t here.” It’s like the sadness is so overwhelming that I almost feel numb? I want to scream because I’m so devastated that I’ll never get to laugh and smile with him again. But like, I can’t even cry. It’s like tears aren’t even enough to express how I feel. It sucks.

I know so many people deal with grief every single day. So many people know what it’s like to lose someone you love. My heart just hurts so bad for everyone who has to deal with this feeling. All we can do is appreciate the people we do have here and make sure they know we love them. And not to sound cliché, but don’t take one day for granted.

This isn’t the type of posts I usually do, but I think it’s important to be authentic and share the bad along with the good. I hope if you’re reading this and you’ve lost someone too, that you at least know that you’re not alone.

Thank you, Montae for all the years of friendship you gave me. It was truly a blessing. Miss you and love you foreverrrr!